Welcome to my blog! I am a 22-year-old Sociology student in Southern Ontario. I love to write, travel, explore, meditate, sing, and dance- among other things. I hope you’ll enjoy reading my (near) daily reflections on the ups and downs of life- the posts here aren’t easily categorized but rather an amalgam of topics of interest to me, and hopefully to you as well!
To tell you a little bit more about me, and the reasons why I’m “the little girl who should”…
Two years ago, I woke up and realized that I was living a life that wasn’t of my choosing. I spent all of my time trying to do what I thought I should, rather than what made me happy. At the age of 20, I was trapped in a downward spiral. I was studying International Development, which I was not passionate about. I was floundering in the grips of an eating disorder, confined to my tiny apartment and using up any left over energy to attempt to appear “normal” to the rest of the world. I looked in the mirror and saw emptiness in my own eyes. I cried every day. I refused spontaneity and pushed everyone away with my coldness.
It took reaching an absolute breaking point to begin my journey to health. Denial had pulled me through five years of illness and changing my deeply ingrained beliefs about life, myself, and the world around me was far from easy. I had to return to the absolute basics in order to break free of the chains of my eating disorder and really figure out who I was underneath the persona I’d created. I went from living six hours away from home attending a University on full scholarship to living at home, not attending school, and waiting for a treatment centre to take me in. After a few painful months of near-daily panic attacks and symptomatic living, I received the call that would change my life, offering me a place in an incredible hospital program an hour away from my home.
With the support of therapists, pyschiatrists, social workers, dieticians, nurses, and of course (and perhaps most importantly) my mom and dad, I slowly recovered. Over 8 months, I transitioned from a shell of a human being to the girl I am today. I grappled with incredibly tough issues, some of which I have discussed ad nauseum on this very blog. I learned that I love writing, that success is not an easy word to define, and that it is possible to learn many things outside of a classroom. I learned to honour my body for what it does for me, instead of what it looks like. Yes, I gained weight, as a mandatory part of my personalized treatment plan, and no, it wasn’t easy. But what I learned is that recovery is so much more than a physical transformation.
I have had the most difficult and also the most rewarding year of my life, this past year. Facing an eating disorder, social anxiety and the seemingly unsurmountable obstacle of figuring out how I really want to live my life was intimidating, to say the least. Bucking the social system is something I still struggle with, and I remind myself daily of the strides I’ve made in terms of my happiness and well-being. I’ve become passionate about spreading the word about the possibility of recovery, and I’m trying to find ways to work on eating disorder prevention in a society so focused on diet and exercise. As someone who struggled immensely with the label of “eating-disorder-not-otherwise-specified”, I understand the difficulty of acknowledging problematic behaviour and seeking treatment. The stigma of eating disorders is immense even now, and so many people suffer unnoticed.
I hesitate to label my blog an “eating disorder recovery blog”, but maybe that’s what it is. I’m not much one for labels in general, and I don’t want to pigeon-hole myself or any potential readers. I write about whatever feels right at the time, from music reviews to rants on society’s obsessions, to introspective commentary on anger or sadness. I welcome questions and comments, and I hope you enjoy my blog! If you want to send me an email, please feel free at firstname.lastname@example.org