Well, so much for that posting twice a week thing… it just isn’t happening. So I’m taking a new approach: posting whenever I feel like it. Because really, what’s the point of making things a chore? Really. I’m taking this approach to many things right now, in fact. Ok sure, some of my courses I like more than others, but on the whole I’m trying to get the most out of everything I do. From school readings to dance class, I’m focusing on the motivations behind my actions and trying to get down to the crux of the matter: the fact that it’s all about the journey.
I’ve said it’s all about the journey so many times in the past year that it might be getting old, but it is true. Did I think, a year ago, that I would be sitting on the couch on Thanksgiving Monday morning and enjoying my breakfast? Did I think I would be completely unstressed about everything being closed for the holiday, including the gym? Did I think that I would have made two pies from scratch for our Thanksgiving dinner, whole sticks of butter included, and helped myself to some of each? You bet your bottom dollar (little orphan Annie anyone?) that I didn’t. Ironically, when I was living in the future and doing what I imagined I “should”, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I couldn’t see the limitless possibilities in front of me- I couldn’t imagine a different life.
Even when my brain was misfiring due to malnutrition and overexertion, I still managed to achieve a moticum of percieved external success. However, I threw all of my prana, my life-force energy, into the fruitless pursuit of achievement. I was wasting my time, doing things I didn’t really enjoy. I crafted my life out of things that were really, when it comes down to it, feeding the machine of society- following the advice of Special K ads and fitness magazines. What I didn’t stop to think about was the larger picture- why was I subjecting my poor musculoskeletal system to such abuse, why was I hating everything I did, even things I used to love, and what was I doing to my relationships? I threw it all away in the chase of an unachieveable dream.
This isn’t a depressing post. This isn’t a lament of the fallacy of my past decisions. This is a reflection upon how far I’ve come, and of my commitment to what matters. This is a rejection of what society says I should do for “firmer thighs!” or “a hotter bod!”. This is me, laughing in the face of a billboard that tells me that “you can never be too thin”. This is a humongous sigh of relief that beyond those spinning thoughts and obsessions lies a much deeper human being- one who loves to read, write, and sing. A girl who dances for the love of it, a girl who can clear her mind and meditate in the midst of a busy schedule. An achiever, but not an over-achiever. A healthy girl, a unique girl.