Sometimes I think in clichéd metaphors. I think about how I’ve never given myself a chance to fully bloom as an individual, to really flower. I think about how I’ve allowed myself a certain amount of happiness, but before fully getting to the point where I’m fully at peace, I retreat back into the greenery. Rather than getting me down, I’m trying to use this as a motivational tool- a good reason to try new things, to fully be in my world instead of living on the fringe. To uproot and be reach out toward the sunshine, to give myself a chance to explore what I might become instead of simply reaching a point and stopping. This experimenting approach to life is scary- it involves perseverance through some more mundane things but also the ability to recognize when something isn’t working and change it to better suit my needs.
Today I attended a meeting to get information about writing for my school paper. This was anxiety-provoking for many reasons. Firstly, I’m never sure how good I actually am at writing. I’ve never really been great at believing the encouraging words of others- especially my parents. Something I’m working on is taking compliments gracefully and truly believing that when people tell me things they are speaking the truth. Secondly, I always get anxious when I meet new people. Much for the same reason as my first point, I have difficulty believing that people would find me engaging or that people would want to hang out with me. It sounds like I’m fishing for compliments, but honestly, despite evidence to the contrary, I find it difficult to accept that I might somehow be socially competent.
Despite my anxiety, I knew that I wanted to go to the meeting. I want to become engaged in my University community, I want to meet new people with similar interests, and I truly do enjoy writing and editing. Luckily, the meeting was a success- I found everyone to be very welcoming and got a good sense of how volunteering at the paper could work for me. Every time I put myself out there, I know it is good for me. I know that by placing myself outside of my comfort zone, I’m allowing myself the chance to find what it is that I really want to do with my life. I’m letting myself try, which is alarmingly difficult for a perfectionist such as myself.
Perhaps as a result of the turbulence of my past few days, I’ve been feeling a bit off today. I’ve noticed that things that normally don’t phase me have gotten me a little riled up. I think it’s important for me to recognize that this doesn’t say anything about my progress in recovery or even my personality- it’s just a by-product of change. In the process of blooming, there are times when things don’t look so pretty- but in the end, it will come together if I just give myself some time.