Change is good. Change means that life is moving in a new and (hopefully) inspiring direction. Change is a natural product of life, an evolution between what is old and what is fresh. Change is inevitable, unless you get yourself stuck in a rut. Change is everywhere, all the time. All that being said, change is never easy for me. I’ve been told that every change is unsettling in some way, even a good change. Hearing those words makes me feel instantly understood- as if- AHA! I’m not alone in how I feel about change.
Throughout my life, I’ve resisted and twisted away from change. In the past, I’ve even stayed in unhelpful situations merely because it was too scary to make a change. If I’ve learned one thing from my experience in the change-refuting camp, its that the strategy of avoiding change never serves me well. There comes a time, even in a situation that is mediocre or even good, that change is necessary. Slight change, moderate change or major change- there are no limits on the magnitude of the change, but it is change nonetheless.
Right now, I’m in the midst of my last week in the treatment program I’ve been attending for the past 33 weeks. Now, I only go in three times a week, from 12-2:30. Still, I know that there is something for me to do, a place to go, for my unemployed and not-in-school-in-the-summer self. After Friday, I lose the one ongoing appointment I’ve been hanging on to for quite some time. And while I’m very secure in my recovery and I know that it’s what I want for my life, there’s still something very difficult about leaving the place and the people who have supported me throughout the most difficult year of my life. The gratitude I feel toward these people is something I’m not fully able to express- how do you thank someone for helping you get your life back? There aren’t words in the English language that really say how much I appreciate the opportunity to learn so much about myself at the young age of 21. Again and again I think of the changes I’ve made in the past eight months and I can’t believe how much of a different person I am. So I guess its normal, then, that leaving would be difficult.
I think that the fact that I’m acknowledging how much is going on in my head as I wrap it around beginning yet another chapter in my life is a good thing. Instead of pretending that everything is peachy and one hundred and ten percent awesome, I’m able to express that it is like pulling the rug out from under me, or trying to fly completely on my own for the first time in months. But while I’m acknowledging that there are still struggles that lie ahead, I’m also able to embrace the change. I’m able to smile and laugh and participate in the change, in my life, even if I feel a bit anxious about what’s to come.
Bring it on, world, I’m ready.