Sometimes, tackling something can seem overwhelming. Setting goals for oneself in any situation can evoke fear in the heart, strike a person down with trepidation. Like a lightening bolt of anxiety, a looming deadline can seem unsurmountable, a task beyond the possibility of achievement. It is all too easy to get caught up in this intimidation, and to simply not tackle a task that might not be possible to complete with a certain degree of perfection. For me, at least, the desire to achieve perfection is part of what prevents me from even trying. Why bother doing something halfway?
I’ve been fortunate to have been able, for the most part, to make good on promises I’ve made for myself, to achieve goals I’ve set. The one goal by which I seem intimidated beyond comprehension is full recovery and escape from the chains of my eating disorder. The gravity of the goal of recovery as well as the necessity to climb the mountain of obstacles that recovery entails have a tendancy to stop me in my tracks. Fear of failing is paralyzing.
Not beginning something because I fear failure is, when I really think about it, flawed logic. There is no failure more complete, in reality, than not having even tried. Nonetheless, such a monumental goal remains intimidating. So, I have to look at the small things that I can do to step in the right direction. By taking small steps, appreciating small victories, I can slowly break down some walls that stand between me and the kind of life I’d like to live.
My eating disorder has taken more from me than I can explain. Small things and bigger things, the losses on the battlefield of disordered eating are all important. And this, among other things, makes it all the more important that I tackle the small things in order to climb the mountain of recovery in the end.