Sometimes when I’m tired and overwhelmed, I get jealous of the young kids scampering off to school. Every time I mention this to my mom she replies that I’d then have to relive the sometimes painful emotions that adolescence entails. True, I say, but to be that free and able to appreciate the freedom instead of dreaming of “growing up” would be glorious enough that I might be willing to experience anew some of the more difficult aspects of growing up.
The unfortunate thing about living in the future is that you don’t always appreciate what you’ve got. I’ve always been one to think about what comes next, whether in excitement or trepidation. In doing so, I’ve likely missed out on the raw emotions of the times. In running away from unpleasant emotions, maybe I’ve neglected more fulfilling ones. Looking back on my early youth, planning for the future was paramount. Deciding what I ought to do to make my mark on the world tended to be more important than living in the moment, something I deemed pointless, at times. Suddenly, it seemed, I found myself crossing the stage at high school graduation and leaving behind all the extracurriculars I had engaged in over my secondary school career.
In university, I threw myself into my studies. Keeping my scholarship has been a full time job, and I didn’t, for the first two years of my undergrad, see the need to get overly involved in “trivial” clubs or organizations. Looking into choirs or intramurals was put on the backburner, despite how such activities had shaped my time at high school. Studying was it, and as much as I love writing essay (yes, I am an anomally and potentially a freak of nature), I was still worried about the next assignment, the next chunk of reading to complete, the next quiz. When I think about that time and even my younger years, I wish I had fully lived in the moment instead of rushing to grow up, because when I “grew up”, I gave up some of what made me happy. Did I have to? No. Did I want to? I’m not sure. But I did. And I find myself now, 20 years young, unsure where to go from here. Unsure how, exactly, to live in the moment. It is a foreign feeling to me, but one that I’d like to embrace.